100 Million BC

100 Million BC

“100 Million BC” is a studio A film by the Asylum. If you belong to the class of people who do not miss the self-destructive entertainment which this studio offers, then you need to stop reading any further. On the contrary, if you are one who enjoys watching a film which has a clumsy execution, or love to see a dog rolling in shit, or possess a desperate wish to ridicule a filmmaker, all of which are very common, then perhaps you may be an Asylum addict.

Watching an Asylum film is like being on a sugar bender with little debbies. You understand perfectly well that those soft delectable little cakes are going to be aggregating plaque all over your arterial vasculature, but now that you have opened the box it has to be eaten. Perhaps a little retching will be required later but for the moment such an compulsion destroys the desire to live by higher standards and rather brings disgrace.

“100 Million BC” is the tale of Frank Reno a military scientist suffering from the recent loss of his family. Michael Gross, known to many as Papa Keaton on the 80’s television show Family Ties, plays the role of Dr. Reno. He’s a gifted scientist and the creator of a wheel that can create a wormhole and make some U.S. soldiers hop back in time to watch dinosaurs.

A broken old man, just as Dr. Reno is now, he has not recovered much since he lost his brother Erik and a group of commando scientists due to a post-World War II incident that took place in the Cretaceous Period. However, now he has a sort of motivation to go back to the future and put a halt to the spurned loser he has been. He can seize the chance to rescue his long-lost brother and make the great escape once he travels back in time to when ugly dino cartoons were still in charge of everything.

Reno recruits an ensemble cast of dubious soldiers to try their luck at time travel and kill some gigantic lizards under strict instructions of not to alter the history. The plan seems to unfold quite well as most of the actors who portray lost characters die before any real dialogue was encountered with the only character left being his brother Erik, deployed by Christopher Atkins. After saying that, he apparently made a promise to his wife after shooting “The Blue Lagoon” never to trim his long hair until he gets more challenging roles.

The positive aspect is the fact that 30 years down the road his hair has not changed in quality. The negative aspect is that the rescue party went home with a cartoon-style T. Rex realistically. Losing even more ground, the two gentlemen responsible for guiding the beast up from the roads of modern South California are Atkins and Lt Commander Ellis Dorn played by a star of “My Two Dads” and “BJ and the Bear” Greg Evigan. If none of the above synopsis makes sense cause you’ve never really heard of the film, then you are in the right place.

There is so much here to ridicule that it’s almost impossible to know where to begin. This fact makes “100 Million BC” an appropriate Asylum film and almost unbearable at the same time, which are not is/are not mutually exclusive. The least bite of the surface of the cinematographic pearl is probably the time frame. To call it staccato would be to imply that there is any sort of cadence in the movie. It would be better stated that the intersection in question is a collection of ho-hum moments that do not contain pregnant pauses and or ho-hum moments with ho-hum moments and outstanding ostentatious special effects of very simple minds.

The story line gets worse as the daffy dinosaur leaps into the present and the plot gets even vaguer. I dare any of the viewers reading this to explain in a lucid manner the satisfying final quarter. The last scene is like a blooper video where the effects of the situational hilarity of all the kick in the nuts and actors forgetting their roles are absent.

The real star here is Chris Atkins. In the film sphere though, only Deborah Gibson during her role as a wearing a slot machine in Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus can surpass his stop-n-pose performance stylings’ supremacy. Whenever Atkins decides to end a shot, one imagines that the poor acting coach must be placing a pistol in his mouth.

This is because the demi-god has bought himself a new page in the unaffiliated attempts to explain the phenomenon of hammy acting. Almost always, these flowing movements end in an Ely with a Tarzan-style pose and a look up to the heavens as if to say… is this poster for No Thanks? The FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER? A sequel, maybe, “A Night in Heaven 2”?

Unfortunately by the end of the third act the the grandest and most lighthearted comic principles of the film were obliterated by the daft filmmakers’ efforts to imagine character involvement. Many a time this is a problem faced by the Asylum film producers, however most of the time the editor manages to prune that total hideousness off the movie and quickly has the viewers ready to foray into the many sacred cows of the cinema.

That’s not the case here at all, and while “100 Million BC” is in its own weird way delightful, it is also quite dull. That is something Asylum films should never do to their audience. We who willingly watch them understand that it can be drunk with lots of liquid (alcoholic) in hand and a search for Kubrick, but it should never require No-Doz. You can’t make this one worth the effort no matter how many Little Debbie Devil Squares you have in Tennessee.

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