3 Ninjas Kick Back

3 Ninjas Kick Back

A kids’ movie like “3 Ninjas Kick Back” is built out of the bits and pieces of “The Goonies,” “Bad News Bears” and “Home Alone.” Someone poses a question to the heroes, “Do you want to be ‘Teenage Mutant Wannabes’?” It’s not far from the truth. This film is one where a plump kid on a Little League team downs a can of beans before going up to bat, hits a homerun, farts as he sprints through all four bases causing all his opponents lying unconscious. Not your real sophisticated humor.

The movie starts in an American suburban paradise with three brothers named Colt, Rocky, and Tum Tum being trained as young ninja warriors by their grandfather (Victor Wong), who is ancient and Japanese-American. They are better at martial arts than baseball; just when Grandpa decides it’s time for him to return this fifty year old ceremonial knife back to Japan so that it could be used as a prize in ninja tournament then their team faces some difficulties.

Cut: Japan – where grandpa’s enemy from fifty years ago in some tournament now happens to be an influential business baron who wants his hands on that knife. Cut: America – wherein the bad tycoon’s nephew plus two friends make up awfully amateurish rock band called Teenage Vomit. The nephew wears long blond wig while one friend has what looks like fright wig but stops the other two when he does stop them two run into him.

What we have here is Three Ninjas vs Three Stooges.

The wicked gang believes that the knife is hidden somewhere inside Grandpa’s cabin hence they stage an attack there. The good kids set booby traps around the cabin (either themselves or their screenwriters must have thoroughly studied Home Alone). The knife remains safe. Meanwhile Grandpa boards plane for Japan bearing wrong flight bag hence when the bag is stolen the knife is not in it. His grandchildren accompany him to Japan. Teenage Vomit also comes along, thus setting the stage for a final showdown.

Whoever heard of a tycoon who has his own secret ninjas trained in black uniforms with strict lessons? Instead of that he has brought his eccentric nephew and some other guys who could as well be skilled ninjas. But let’s forget about that: at some point, the eldest grandchild goes into martial arts contests with an opponent wearing mask, wins and reveals herself by taking down her mask and shaking out long hair surprise! A Girl! (This will come as no shock to anyone familiar with Ebert’s Little Movie Glossary which identifies this as The Disguised Surprise Gender Switch).

The girl, whose name is Miyo (Caroline Junko King) becomes immediately close friends with the heroes. These boys teach her how to play baseball even though she does not appear to know anything about it despite Japan’s obsession with the game like America too. Meanwhile during this time when there are visitors around Grandpa happens to be in hospital where he is confined under a sadistic nurse another fan of Ebert’s Little Glossary who knows Traction Action Rule whereby any patient having limb injuries must eventually undergo terrible twisting on that injured limb by someone visiting them on bed side.

The film appears bent on covering all bases. Climaxing with the knife business in Japan, the story comes back to America for a decisive little league baseball game where it seems that the good guys are about to lose until an important catch is miraculously made by an unknown player whom nobody knows neither her number is contained in any program nor even her face can be seen because of cap, dark glasses etc., but afterwards she takes off her cap so that her hair can blow free with the wind and lo! and behold! it turns out to be; wow! etc.

Who was this movie meant for? It wasn’t meant for me, though young children will likely enjoy it.

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