Backgammon

Backgammon

In the press release for “Backgammon,” I was promised a film of “sexual tension, danger and mind games among a group of college students.” It also bills it as “part psychological sexual thriller and part classic mystery.” These are all intriguing statements that should attract viewers, which is what good marketing is meant to do.

Having now seen “Backgammon,” I can report that these statements like most marketing claims are absolute bullshit. None of the actors convince me they’re actually supposed to be in college, and not just because they’re visibly too old for the role. The “thriller” and “mystery” parts involve an obnoxious but harmless intellectual blowhard. The mind games involve poetry and children’s board games. And if you came looking for the psychological sexing, or even just regular good old fashioned erotic screwing, you’ll only find it if you brought your own to the theater.

Something feels very off from the first scene, which involves bacon sandwiches and one character’s girlfriend seeing something that looked sexual but wasn’t. Miranda (Brittany Allen) tries to cheer up Lucian (Noah Silver) after his girlfriend Elizabeth (Olivia Crocicchia) has stormed away from the cabin they’ve been holed up in all weekend.

The aforementioned sexual tension is meant to exist between childhood friends Miranda and Lucien, but there is no chemistry whatsoever between the actors nor does their banal dialogue help matters. Miranda says: “Have a bacon sandwich, hee hee hee!” To which Lucian replies: “I’m not hungry.” Miranda continues holding an admittedly delicious-looking sammy: “It’s good for you! Hee-hee-hee!” Adding: “If Elizabeth truly loves you she’ll come back and see it was all a mistake! Hee-hee-hee!”

Not since John Travolta’s Terl in “Battlefield Earth” have I been presented with a character who punctuates damn near every sentence with some goofy laugh at its end. Allen gives one of the worst performances I have ever witnessed on film by applying this tic to increasingly dreadful dialogue (credited to three writers). It becomes so unbearable that you wish you could mute her voice entirely while letting everything else play at full volume instead.

Since Miranda is supposed to be played by Sybil Danning or Shannon Tweed or Sylvia Kristel had Backgammon been made 30 years ago as well as more broadly conceived seductresses throughout history Allen must exude what director Francisco Orvañanos mistakenly believes would qualify as sexiness here.

Slithering around throughout this entire movie with her mouth slightly agape like Gerber baby scrunching up face giggling at every possible opportunity would render any character more believable than if revealed as alien from distant planet getting all ideas about human female from 12-year-old boys; yet nothing else comes close within Backgammon’s actual plot twists despite best efforts by Allen et al..

Silver isn’t any better off. He too wanders around with his mouth hanging open, a blank expression on his face that I suppose is meant to convey I don’t know, confusion? Horniness? Fear? He looks the same in every situation. His character is written as the dumbest man on Earth, a guy who stays around hoping to get lucky even after his lust object starts cutting herself and demanding “let’s play Backgammon, hee-hee-hee!” Every time Lucian tries to escape, the script finds some way of keeping him around for no credible reason. Sure, he’d like to bang Miranda but Jesus, she is not the only fish in the sea. Doesn’t this dude have Tinder?

I digress. Games not mind games actual games are a significant part of “Backgammon,” because who doesn’t want a little Monopoly to go with their sex? The film’s “thriller” portion climaxes with a game of backgammon. And its “mystery” subplot is kicked into motion by a poker game initiated by Miranda’s soon to be ex-husband Gerald (Alex Beh).

Gerald is so obnoxious that he forces me to use the dreaded word “pretentious.” Gerald’s modus operandi is to get a rise out of whomever he’s around, which usually involves quoting French poet Baudelaire or spouting off insults so piss-poor they wouldn’t win third prize in a Don Rickles imitation contest held by fifth graders. Gerald also paints lousy portraits of Miranda naked, which Lucian stares at with you guessed it his mouth hanging open. By sheer good fortune Lucian wins all these paintings in Gerald’s poker game.

Gerald drinks constantly and abuses Miranda; so it makes perfect sense when she kicks him out. What doesn’t make sense is the notion that Gerald sticks around stalking the house and altering the paintings in an effort to scare Lucian. Gerald may be bigger than Lucian but “Backgammon” never presents him as a credible threat; thus there’s no terror factor either. Besides what is Gerald going to do? Poetry his victims to death?

“Gerald is not coming back,” Miranda reassures Lucian, “because I think he might be dead. Hee-hee-hee!” This particular bit of foreshadowing does not elicit even a response from Lucian and that was when I wanted to walk out on “Backgammon.” This wasn’t possible as I was watching at home like Richard Gere in An Officer and A Gentleman I had no place else to go.

Watch Backgammon For Free On Gomovies.