A Haunted House 2

A Haunted House 2

Every time I watch found footage horror movies, I hope for a scene where the ghost/creature/whatever suddenly grabs the camera and starts shooting its own footage. Because if you’re stupid enough to keep recording when crap hits the fan, you deserve to die horribly and with better cinematography. The ghost will give me a better, less shaky look at all the awful things it’s doing to this deserving person. It’ll pick better angles and shots since it knows exactly what’s about to go down.

2013’s “A Haunted House,” as a parody of found footage movies, offered this potential scene. I would’ve never known it didn’t contain one had I not been assigned “A Haunted House 2.” Since the Continuity Police arrested me for reviewing “Red 2” before seeing “Red,” I streamed “A Haunted House” before going out to a public screening of its sequel. And I figured out that there’s no need to see “A Haunted House.” Unless you want a slightly upgraded version of what pollutes “A Haunted House 2.”

To summarize part one: Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) experiences strange paranormal events after moving in with his girlfriend Kisha (Essence Atkins). These happenings look suspiciously like those in “Paranormal Activity,” one among many films that this series tries to spoof. Malcolm hires a psychic who’d rather try having sex with him than figuring out why appliances move by themselves.

In an exciting plot twist that “Sex and the City” should’ve used, Malcolm finds out Kisha sold her soul to the Devil for an expensive pair of shoes. A lot of stuff goes down then; most of it takes form as reprehensibly unfunny homophobia. In one scene you can’t unsee, Malcolm gets raped by the evil spirit haunting his house that rape he accidentally uploads on YouTube-for laughs! Or so they say. Many people apparently thought so, otherwise we wouldn’t have this sequel.

“A Haunted House 2” starts with Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and his unbearably annoying cousin Ray Ray (Affion Crockett) disposing of Kisha while she’s still possessed. But she doesn’t take kindly to being ignored and therefore possesses Malcolm’s new place. This affects not only Kisha’s ex but also his current squeeze Megan (Jamie Pressly), her sullen teenage daughter Becky (Ashley Rickards), and her son Wyatt (Steele Stebbins).

The primary target for parody this time around is “Sinister,” though there are jabs at “Insidious” too. The botched re-creations of the latter film’s murderous 8mm home movies aren’t funny, but they’re at least well done. As for scenes from “Insidious” they’re bad enough that you feel sorry for everyone involved in them; Cedric the Entertainer especially so since he returns as Father Williams.

The gay jokes are taken down in “A Haunted House 2″ but the animal cruelty factor is raised. Writer Wayans co-writer seems to have borrowed a few scenes from “The Hangover Part III” and thought that graphic destruction of live animal tissue would be funny. The rooster fight shown in the commercials is lifted directly from “Hangover III,” though this time there’s only one angry bird. What happens to it confirms my unnatural fear of ceiling fans. The rooster’s facial reaction to Wayans’ attempt to destroy it (which you can also see in the commercials) is the only laugh to be had in “A Haunted House 2.”

If you’re a dog person, DO NOT SEE THIS FILM. (In fact, don’t read this paragraph.) A canine is squashed flatter than a pancake by a safe, which admittedly is done in exaggerated comic fashion, but another is beaten, shot repeatedly and chainsawed. The resulting carnage is lovingly depicted, and if that weren’t enough, the poor creature’s head is then blown off by a shotgun in front of Megan’s kids. Now, I’m no prude. Some of the stuff I’ve found funny would curl your hair and probably make you pray for me. But my only reaction to scenes like this is disgust.

Besides Cedric the Entertainer, who is a very funny stand-up comedian who can act (see “Barbershop”), veteran Kym Whitley and Gabriel Iglesias are wasted here as well. Hell, everybody involved was wasted because this isn’t even a movie. It’s edited like a series of end credit outtakes and doesn’t even try to be coherent. It flashes its cynical, cash grabbing intentions like a bright neon diner sign on a New Jersey state road. The low cost ensures that it will make money even if just the Wayans go see it.

Speaking of the Wayans, Marlon Wayans is a talented man. Don’t laugh that sentence is true. He’s worked with Darren Aronofsky (“Requiem for a Dream”) and the Coens (“The Ladykilers”). He co-wrote the similar, though far funnier “Scary Movie.” And whenever he speaks of his long-gestating Richard Pryor biopic, tingles go up my spine. I want to see that movie. Why is he wasting his time on this excrement?

Why did I need to see scene after unfunny scene of Wayans nakedly humping a creepy children’s doll (there must be about 10 minutes of this footage)? Who gives a fuck what movie it’s supposed to be parodying? He could be playing Richard Pryor instead of doing this shit.

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