Almighty Thor

Almighty Thor

The mighty god Odin (WWF star Kevin Nash) rules the Kingdom of Valhalla alongside his sons Baldir (Jess Allen) and Thor (Cody Deal). Then comes the evil nemesis, the demon God Loki (Richard Grieco) who rises from the depths of hell to take the Hammer of Invincibility from Odin and makes the world surrender to Ragnarok. Which is odd because hell is meant to be all burning hot and covered in liquid magma, while Loki seems much whiter than Gary Numan’s skin during his berserker days.

Nonetheless, where there is Odin, and Baldir, there is nevertheless, Thor left stained with juvenile lip quivering anger swearing to kill Loki. Fortunately for him, but not for us, beautiful demigoddess Jarnsaxa (Patricia Valasquez) persuades Thor that maybe he should run away this time after all, Loki not only possesses a magical bone but has monstrous dog-headed creatures (well, only dog-headed because the CGI is horrible) which are very much in the process of wrecking the kingdom.

Jarnsaxa and Thor come to our present day where she possesses a hiding place that is invisible to Loki yet he finds out where it is. The tug of war for the Hammer of Invincibility scales new heights.

May I just say how terrible the CGI in the film is and I mean terrible.

Speaking of pictures though. The Hammer of Invincibility which is seen in the movie is quite distinct so how come the hammers which appear in the DVD cover and menu are absolutely nothing like each other and also nothing like the one in the film?

Asylum are the company which created the believable Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, probably shot on a budget that was around the edge of being nonexistent but is wonderfully so bad its brilliant. Any relationship with Almighty Thor, the shameless copying of Ken Branagh’s film, is quite simply ridiculous. As for Almighty Thor, it puts Uwe Boll ‘s work on oscar nominated films level. It has nothing positive to it.

The acting was so bad that I had to cringe. The only good thing is that Kevin Nash is only in this for about 5 minutes which is ideal as he would never be remembered for this crap, after all why is he even here except to shout like a moron and participate in a god awful sword fight. I fondly recall Richard Grieco from 21 Jump Street and a budding career playing a young Bond in Teen Agent but he must have serious money problems or a complete lack of sense to accept such rubbish.

A lot of his dialogues get repetitive and towards the end of the film he can be seen wandering through supposed to be downtown LA dressed up like supremely angered goth searching for an appropriate fetish shop while people idly walk past in the background looking rather perplexed (yes, street clearing, what’s that? Just walk through the shots without worrying about anything).

Nonetheless, all of this comes second to the complete monstrosity that is Cody Deal portraying the character of Thor. Grieco has the audacity to declare in the Making of Featurette that Deal makes a better Thor than the one in Branagh’s film; all I can say is that he must have been absolutely plastered when he stated this. Deal’s Thor is a bitch who prefers to disregard the suggestions of his savior in Valesquez.

Even when it is clear that he is a poor fighter who has lost all combat ability, he is among the first to proclaim that he must slay Loki. Even when it comes to addressing Jarnsaxa and pledging to prepare for the task, the idiot strolls away from her and goes to exact his vengeance. Curiously, for all their apparent flaws, the two even commit to loving one another later on; true the brat has already gotten the poor girl killed by this time, and it is the last words of the poor dying girl, but come on, how did the script writers figure this would be a logical conclusion to their tedious character building arc?

Ugh, I’m furious. I’m furious I wasted my time viewing a film like this when I should have opted for something else. This is bad and offers nothing good of value in its defense. Almighty Thor? Almighty Bore more like.

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