‘Anacondas’ slithers through its formula

‘Anacondas’ slithers through its formula

The blood orchid exists deep within the Bornean jungle. Every seven years the plant blossoms and for this short period of time, it gives off red flowers packed with a peculiar chemical compound that enhances the capacity of cells to replicate themselves. If made into a tablet, such a substance could help one live forever or at least long enough to regret it. “This is bigger than Viagra!” exclaims an executive from pharmaceutical company who has detected its value. Yes and creates a whole new market for it. The idea of Viagra use at 150 is rather daunting, but at least there will be plenty of girls your age unlike George Burns.

However, things go wrong: all known samples were “accidentally destroyed” so they have no choice but to return to Borneo as quickly as possible because in two weeks’ time there will be no more flowers left since blooming season lasts just couple weeks plus it’s always raining this time around; although we read about how much money drug firms make off us while crying crocodile tears over profits used up by them on research into diseases which kill millions each year unnecessarily I’m sorry but trying find eternal life doesn’t seem like much effort put forth from these guys they can only afford rent Bloody Mary boat (which looks like was built outta scraps tree house where Benji lived).

The ship is captained by Bill Johnson (played Johnny Messner). Even though he has face Calvin Klein model could earn living steering leaky bucket into jaws hell so don’t judge book cover unless you wanna get eaten alive baby. Besides our good lookin’ Bill we also got four doctors Dr. Jack Byron (Matthew Marsden), Gordon Mitchell (Morris Chestnut), Dr. Ben Douglas (Nicholas Gonzalez) and Tran(Karl Yune) who take things very seriously indeed; two ladies Gail Stern (Salli Richardson Whitfield) an Samantha Rogers (KaDee Strickland) also serious about their work though one more than other; plus comic relief character named Cole Burris (Eugene Byrd) always scared all time but nobody ever listens to him because he’s just so damn funny. There even little monkey running around acting like Fred Willard “Best Show” but less entertaining cause nothin’ funnier than old man havin sex with dog right? RIGHT?

For those unfamiliar rivers Borneo let me tell ya somethin’ boy ain’t safe even when it ain’t raining let alone during wet season when they overflow banks making navigation impossible cause gators gotta eat them fish too; not only that logs hides beneath surface waiting’ for unsuspecting traveler rip bottom right outta boat if hit wrong way and miss turn could end up goin’ over waterfall ain’t nobody ever gonna find body except maybe some crocodiles who think it’s dinner time every day till next week come around again. Anyways Johnson wants 50 grand up front another later on which seems fair considering what kind shape his vessel appears be in don’t ya think so? So now we’re looking at least $100,000 just get down this river alive folks…

But wait there’s ANOTHER catch: see giant anacondas live blood orchid jungle (I dunned how they got there either), and although usually preferring solitude these snakes gather together rainy seasons form a “mating ball” or something similar, so basically anywhere near water will feel like swimming through sea full o’ these things. You’ve heard salmon swimming upstream mate birds flying thousands miles summer nesting grounds well this here movie must have been made by someone who thinks that an anaconda native South American rain forest would make trip across Pacific Ocean down river find itself exactly where are you kidding’ me right now

However they arrived, they stay for some time. This is because they eat the blood orchid and don’t die but instead get bigger and bigger. Maybe a local spider can’t bite them which causes paralysis for 48 hours or something, though not the cast of this movie. You know when a spider paralyzes you and then you see an anaconda starting to eat you? I hate it when that happens.

There comes some extent where we recognize that “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid” is hunting not such a lot for orchids but trouble. It’s a large cast because you have got to possess one eaten every once during a while, and therefore the attrition rate accelerates when people start falling into caves. Bill Johnson keeps their spirits up: “There’s how in there’s how out.” True, but what if it’s the way in?

Attentive readers may recall that I actually enjoyed “Anaconda” (1997). It had been excellent at being itself, and Jon Voight’s last scene within the movie remains sublimely ridiculous. But I even have seen “Anaconda,” and, senator , “Anacondas” isn’t any “Anaconda.” The director, Dwight H. Little, has done tons of TV and retains the annoying TV practice of the reaction shot whip round, during which A says something witty, B hears it and grins and appearance at C, who smiles and shrugs , while D looks on , amused. With the monkey playing the E position, this will become monotonous.

The movie is competent on a basic level; it uses its locations well plus features a hard-working fearless cast. The beautiful Sallie Richardson-Whitfield continues an excellent tradition begun by Fay Wray as she struggles to urge faraway from danger, and Mathew Marsden is properly treacherous as someone obsessed with making millions from the new drug. It’s competent formula entertainment, but doesn’t take that leap into pure brahminess that inspired “Anaconda.”

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