Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl

For the “Artemis Fowl” movie to come out, it took 20 years, but now that it’s here, it seems like it wants to be over already. Following a parade of directors and scripts, getting tangled in the Harvey Weinstein scandal and delayed after both the Disney/20th Century Fox merger and the coronavirus pandemic, Irish author Eoin Colfer’s beloved tween fantasy series arrives on screen under less than ideal circumstances as an overly busy, undercooked streaming diversion.

This glossy but empty exercise in world-building crams elements of two books into less than 90 minutes while sacrificing character development and genuine drama for briskness and whimsy (and not enough of either). The story isn’t that hard to grasp there’s an underground universe of fairies, trolls and other mythical creatures that a wealthy boy who is wise beyond his years learns to navigate but for some reason the script heaves a ton of burden on Josh Gad’s shoulders. As the bumbling kleptomaniac dwarf Mulch Diggums, he does a lot of hand-holding narration for the audience, often describing things we can plainly see with our own eyes.

And yet this adventure has no perceptible pulse at its center; Young Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw), brilliant and rebellious 12-year-old mastermind criminal extraordinaire though he may be, is more of a dazzled pawn than anything else. We’re told early by Gad’s scruffy narrator: “Do not underestimate the kid.”

But Artemis comes across as just another spunky subversive troublemaker along the lines of any number of young characters from movies past Home Alone or Spy Kids or even Richie Rich. He’d rather surf than go to school; can you blame him? In softening him up from his grimmer incarnation on Colfer’s pages, they’ve made him more accessible but less interesting. Still, he is our connection between the human world and that of leprechauns, sprites, etc., so we must follow him, as dull as he may be.

When globe trotting antiquities dealer Artemis Fowl Sr. (a typically underutilized Colin Farrell) goes missing while on a secret mission, young Artemis realizes all those legends his dad told him over the years were true. He must team with some of those fantastic beasts (and against others) to rescue his father and retrieve a valuable, shiny thingamabob that’s super potent in the fairy world but dangerous for human use; think glowing golden butt plug.

This is “Spy Kids” with more complex visual effects but broader ambitions. Branagh has an eye for striking lighting and imagery when he’s helmed larger scale fare like this or his live-action “Cinderella.” The sprawling and ornate Fowl Manor which looms atop a cliff along the dramatic Irish coast is impressive. So too is Haven City, the underground realm that’s home to burly LEPrecon fairy police officers overseen by pointy eared Judi Dench looking bored (which she may well have been).

It’s a rough-hewn blend of old-world naturalism and new-world CGI slickness. Among her crew is eager elf Holly Short (Lara McDonnell), who has big eyes and a plucky disposition. At least she gets more to do than Tamara Smart, who seems like an afterthought as Juliet niece of loyal butler Butler (Nonso Anozie), who’s trapped in the most jam-packed subplot of all. She basically has to show up and run from a troll.

But hold on! We must not forget Gad’s Mulch, the beginning and end of which is the capture and questioning by MI6. Additionally, his unnecessary voiceover acts as the film’s backbone in terms of structure. He comes around to pick a pocket or two and talk his way out of every situation usually with random references to Foreigner and David Bowie that seem forced and aren’t funny.

But he looks like he came from a Phish concert with his straggly hair and shaggy beard; so he too gets in on the action for comic relief. However; there’s always another beastie, another enormous set piece or fight scene scored frantically to carry along the proceedings. A lot of effort is being shown but very little magic.

“The time freeze is going to collapse any second now!” shouts the techno-wizard centaur (Nikesh Patel) back at HQ, in what should be a meaningful warning amid all this roar and rush and pew pew pew of lasers fired from ancient looking weapons through the sky. But then again, it’s all going to come crashing down anyway soon enough.

Watch Artemis Fowl For Free On Gomovies.