Asteroid Vs Earth

Asteroid Vs Earth

It’s been almost a decade since I said I would do it, and that day is closer than I think now. Yes, I am planning to organize the Straight to DVD/VOD Awards Spectacular, as the title suggests! Imagine the sort of fun categories we would include, and not the wispy common stuff, but simply hilarious things like the best nude scene in a DTV movie, or the Gaybutt of a straight boy you get the picture.

However, award-wise this flick would be a strong contender for most Scientific Talkity-Talk in what is otherwise best described as an attempted pseudo Scientific Movie ‘Asteroid vs. Earth.’ This movie which as you may have noticed I find intolerable, let’s get that off our chests starts with scientific dialogues and ends with even more ridiculous conversations and ‘important’ phrases that just never stop. By the way, this is not a distinction that you would want your film to win in the first place.

Evan the Junior Astronomer (Charles Byun) fantastically wakes up, steps out of his bunk, and with child-like glee pushes the large red button before the NASA employees can kill him. He calls his boss about a situation she does not bother to lift a finger but rest easy because there is an entire squad from the NSA now entering the stairs to this oasis of high calibre weaponry, to set it off. Personally, sub-machine guns to ‘enter into’ the sundry adorning sea as plunging sights seemed a bit overboard, but then again, if ‘Asteroid vs. Earth’ is anything to go by, the armed forces only seem to go into action when the rifles come out.

For example, General Masterson (Robert Davi) is at home watching television when he starts getting disturbed by what seems like severe weather, this is caused by the asteroid by the way. One of his assistants, Major Sera (Malik McCall), is moving rapidly toward him in an attempt to take control of the situation. He could have just picked up a call, but nope, Major Sera barges into the generals room and holds the officer at gun point. Once again, this seems rather unwarranted.

Next we go to the local bar and find Commander Chase (Jason Brooks) attempting to woo the beautiful hydrologist Dr. Knox (Tia Carrere) with some dry scientific terms that make it seem like he is going to get lucky tonight, but unfortunately the commander and doctor have business to attend to that evening. Did the marines ask the Doctor and the commander nicely to accompany them? No they didn’t, they aimed their guns at them. Wow.

The point is, the meteor, when it comes down, will wipe out all life on planet earth as we know it. We could nuke it, but we know that never works, and because the junior astronomer said so. He, however has a better use for the nukes. Put the nukes inside those spots, detonates them, the earth moves from its position and will be out of reach of the danger. Okay, why not.

Thus, our heroes proceed in boarding the submarine of the Captain Rogers (Tim Russ) in order to find a good trench somewhere to place the nukes. Our hot hydrologist, you might now that there is such an occupation as a Deep Sea Crevice Specialist and who knows what kind of inspiration you need to be Commander Chase to be on this ship.

Well above the water meteoric debris is wreaking havoc, and frankly given the painfully stupid but eloquently speaking cast, the world’s submarine Destroyer of Time seems to be a waste. Ultimately, a homosexual Lt. Rudy (Wade F. Wilson) will have to be the one who makes the unthinkable sacrifice in order to spare humanity. At least in my opinion, such a sacrifice had no need in being the last resort. And yes, Rudy is gay. They kept telling us this. We weren’t inquiring, but they provided information regardless.

Christopher Ray directed “Asteroid versus Earth”, This one is really for the die hard funs of bad Asylum disaster movies, but like the others I am also watching a lot of Asylum disaster movies and those same Asylum movies are all competing with each other for the title of bad movie award. Of course the science has bloopers in it, but they are SP overstated that it simply did not need to have any form of plausibility.

Establishing the Earth out of its orbit will wipe out half the population good we have an overpopulation issue any way. The absurd fact that enemy submarines have to destroy the one single submarine which is trying to save the world amazing some country’s military shouldn’t sleep just because evolution has come to a stop.

Bump the nuke triggers while carrying them in the trunk of a Jeep Liberty so that they do not set off awesome as well because you expected triggering a nuke needed dials while it only needs one good bang followed by some warmth. Or when you enter the place to destroy the sub because our heroes have to save the sub that they have to destroy again why the fuck not.

The acting is also good, better than some with Tia Carrere delivering the ancient hotness and majority of the fake speaking, Robert Davi looked like two weeks dead and three straight episodes Tim Russ was still delivering his performance of straightforward seriousness. What I want to know is has this cat ever done a comedy. I am going to look that up. But the spelled actors appeared and were not out of the picture actors and were the young unknowns like Charles Byun and Wade Wilson.

I would assume they become regulars of Asylum by mere luck, but I would hope that their aspirations are much higher than that.

But alas, as we have seen in most of Christopher Ray’s films my man just isn’t that great of a film director. There’s poor scene clocking, the pacing is all over the place, there is no coherent structure to what unfolds before us and in spite of the constant cranking up of action we still found ourselves each time or the other, snoozing away. We however do appreciate, though most of us Americans do not care for/are indifferent to such things, Mr. Ray being a veteran does ensure that the US army people wear the right type of dress/the right type of insignias. Thank you for that at least.

For those who do not keep fine watching this ridiculousness for fun, ‘Earth vs. Asteroid’ is not the film that can convert any of you as devotees. For those who watch such nonsense, it is reasonably up to the average standard. Disastrous but pass. Do tell me that’s not perfect for a box cover quote.

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