Bad Johnson

Bad Johnson

I once watched a film about a talking vagina. The voice was like John Huston’s and it sported a Colonel Sanders-esque goatee. No explanation for its sudden ability to speak was given nor needed; this is porn. And the beard is nice, and the voice actor nails the honeyed tones of Noah Cross. Our Chatty Coochie attracted many suitors with its sinister “Chinatown” line readings because at the right time, in the right place, everyone can be anything, and also because this is porn. But I do want to give credit to some cleverness on the part of the filmmakers.

The people behind “Bad Johnson” get no such credit because they have a single intelligent bone in their entire creative body. This unbelievably bad movie has as its protagonist a penis that not only talks it falls off and grows into a complete human being. This is one step beyond Doris Dorrie’s 1988 film “Me and Him,” where Griffin Dunne’s junk stayed attached and spoke to him in much less threatening tones than Cousin Larry from TV’s “Perfect Strangers.” I wasn’t crazy about that movie’s boring erudite philosophical schlong, but at least it didn’t try to throw its owner’s girlfriend off a roof.

“Bad Johnson” is afraid of women, gays and minorities like so many previous comedies have been before it. All three groups get their chance to be humiliated by these filmmakers with relationship-seeking women taking most of the hits. It follows yet another man child who mocks everyone around him who looks or thinks differently while wreaking unfunny havoc. Ladies are inexplicably drawn to him failing to see he will abuse them or treat them badly when he is actually just a dick. Why any actress would take roles in dreck like this I’ll never know but the money must be fabulous.

This time our hero is Richard Johnson (Cam Gigandet) whom IMDB describes as “a charismatic womanizer.” Predictably enough, it opens with our hero banging the wrong woman who then catches him cheating with several other women including an older lady who looks as if she’d rather be watching Griffin Dunne’s ding a ling discuss Aristotle in another movie.

Anyway one of Rich’s angry conquests kicks him so hard in the balls they lodge into his stomach and stay there. At first I thought this might cause his penis to fall off but even if it did that would be too scary for this movie which wouldn’t show you what was going on down there anyway plus that would be clever: Angry woman kicks off guy’s wiener which turns into random hipster! Alas it stays connected for now so Rich has to wait six weeks before he can resume sexual activity.

To “Bad Johnson,” Meet-Cute means Rich hooking up with a woman trying buy buying pregnancy test from her local drugstore then explaining how she can cheat said test which would completely useless if positive Jamie (Jamie Chung), test seeker finds all this charming so she starts dating him Six weeks later on his way finally consummate his relationship with Jamie Rich crashes into cougar’s BMW Said cougar exchanges more than just her insurance information with Rich

I don’t care how much that gecko on the television is saving you. If a guy in a piece of junk vehicle hits your brand new BMW, you’re not going to give him oral sex. You’d be sending his nuts back up into his stomach with your Manolo Blahnik. But wait! That would be funny! So it’s not happening in this movie.

Jamie finds out about Rich cheating and kicks him out. In an equally terrible move, Rich makes a wish he will regret the next morning, like in “The Change Up.” He wishes for control over the body part he keeps saying is responsible for his cheating. His pillipecker disappears the next morning. I don’t know how, but it winds up in an alley across town.

Taking the form of naked Nick Thune, the penis calls Rich collect and gives detailed directions of where he is and what he’s missing clothing-wise. Rich picks him up then introduces him to his buddy who’s also a personal trainer Josh (Kevin Miller). Josh is disapproved of by Rich and the movie because Josh is in a committed relationship.

He befriends Rich’s whooziwatzit and finds he likes it better than Rich does. For all its unspoken homoeroticism celebrated between bros in movies, Josh’s relationship with Rich’s penis could have been pumped for commentary about that but instead this movie has more boring things to do.

Castrated Rich starts dating Lindsay (Katherine Cunningham) at the gym who is a female client there too. As he falls for her, his penis gets weaker (whoring good! Relationship bad!!) To combat this problem, one-eyed worm turns criminal.

First it tries to screw Lindsay then kidnaps her with murderous intent when she doesn’t let it so when rich tries to save her they switch positions as his pud starts pounding on him instead and thune looks like he can break gigandet in half i wish he had spared me from “bad johnson”’s incredibly uninspired rooftop climax

I thought I’d get some cheap thrills outta “Bad Johnson” since I have a taste for raunchy comedies but this isn’t even dirty instead of randiness we’ve got pathetic attempts at humor involving flamboyantly gay waiters and questionable insults towards asians Jeremy Tetreault’s screenplay has the gall without limits or bounds enough reach around behind himself justify calling an innocent Japanese restaurant delivery boy “Tokyo Drift” with oh come on I had an Asian girlfriend so i cant be racist who thought that would go unnoticed huh who thought that would be funny

The gay waiter was so over the top I expected to find out he was actually wayland flowers controlling a puppet but then again looking at rich said “you ain’t even all that!” which sums up how I feel about bad johnson.

“Bad Johnson” suffers from worst case of creativity shrinkage ever seen.

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