Jules Verne’s Mysterious Island

Jules Verne’s Mysterious Island

Despite the fact that most networks have given up on “books for television,” Hallmark continues to adapt classics and throw money at longform, so let’s not even talk about this version of a Jules Verne sci-fi novel as loud and tedious, with special effects that are wildly uneven (and sometimes just plain awful) and performances that are hit or miss. International audiences an important part of this strategy may be kinder in their assessment, but in any language, the mystery is how such a clunky vessel went so far off course.

Verne’s 19th-century book was previously made into a delightful 1961 feature with state-of-the-art Ray Harryhausen effects. The latest among half a dozen movies and TV versions stars Kyle MacLachlan and Patrick Stewart, the latter sporting a weird-looking turban as mad genius Captain Nemo.

Union officer Cyrus (MacLachlan), in 1863, leads a small group out of a Confederate Army prison camp by hot air balloon. After floating for days, they land on an uncharted island populated with amazing creatures, from a rat the size of a hippopotamus to an SUV-size scorpion whose sting packs quite a wallop. (Beyond the “ick” factor, why insects are larger than birds or rodents is unclear.)

The island is home to Nemo (Stewart), captain of the undersea Nautilus, who lives in his own cloistered world and dreams of eliminating war by creating an apocalyptic weapon using an element found only on the island which accounts for its giant fauna. When Cyrus declines to join his crusade, he and his party are ejected into harm’s way again; dangers include not just beast but man, in the form of treasure-hunting pirates led by fearless captain Bob Harvey (Vinnie Jones).

Suffice it to say there will be much violence; most of it will be badly shot and cartoony. There will be some romance between Cyrus and a comely widow (Gabrielle Anwar) whose husband was killed in the Civil War. And there will be many disgusting things, including one pretty hilarious disgorging of green spider guts.

Beyond the breathtaking Thai locales and the footnote that production wrapped shortly before the devastating tsunami of last winter director Russell Mulcahy brings little sobriety to a production where pacing or tone are as hard to come by as that damn treasure map. The cast, meanwhile, are simply undone by the CGI nightmares and stilted dialogue they’re up against, both of which are fairly monstrous.

Ultimately, the doomed island succumbs to a massive volcanic eruption as unconvincing as most everything else that came before it, leading to further protracted devastation. But that’s at least near the end of this marathon; by then sleep or boredom will likely have overtaken all but those few who manage to stay awake until “Island’s” bitter shores.

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