Mega Piranha

Mega Piranha

At some point, Mega Piranha is an entertainment machine with tones of absurd thrusting into the plot and at the same time painfully depressing. Hilarity cuts through the stupidity of it all while the depression comes through as you really do have ‘real’ actors who would have slogged it out for bits who could at least try to make a movie about about 30 ft. bloodthirsty piranha into something watchable.

There’s not much good that could be said about Sci-Fi creature feature productions, but this one takes the slapstick level to an entirely different level. It’s not like the plot is any better, given that the slapping starts at a rather early stage Venezuela, to be specific. Some dull-witted ambassador gets killed, and now the US is so riled up that it sends a muscular-monolith special agent to find out if it was an assassination. Of course, it’s not as soon as he arrives at the scene of the alleged assassination, he realizes that the poor fellow was chewed to bits by gigantic piranhas. He then goes on a curious adventure to Lady Gabbana with wannabe scientist and 80s American pop never was: Tiffany, and then some dude with a pathetic goatee, and together they intend to wipe out a race of fish. For some bizarre reason, some Venezuelan soldiers are also following and shooting at them.

You would not be wrong if you assumed that perhaps I had difficulty wrapping my head around the story for this one. However, it is not much of a surprise given how bonkers epic it throws everything at you. Instead of establishing shots, there is a two-second shot of a crowd of people strolling briskly with intertitles such as ‘HANK ROBERTS HEAD OF INTELLIGENCE’ and ‘MILITARY INTELLIGENCE HEADQUARTERS PACIFIC’ etc. When a viewer has a chance to grasp all these absurd titles, just in ten seconds, they are faced with the next dialogue discussing how “these things are getting bigger” and how in four hours they will be able to swallow Harlem or something. Who knows?

In the meantime, the quality of the acting is so horrendous, it is not surprising to think this could have been some kind of a gag. Tiffany could not act her way out of an open door, and buff action ‘hero’ Paul Logan’s voice is so deep and bass-heavy that earthworms picking up the vibrations in the dirt were making more sense of what he was saying than I was. And the ‘Venezuelan’ bad guy, who can’t seem to keep in character as a Venezuelan and occasionally develops a New York accent.

Let’s not forget the absolutely ridiculous CGI effects (the piranha are completely retarded and the bigger they get, the tighter the CGI chap is apparently getting, eventually just splashing and shadow water effects which anyone could produce) and some fucking awful editing (in one scene one of the characters sits in one shot, stands and switches to another character in the next, then sits down again, five repeated shots) which both converge to elevate a picture that is not “what is going to happen to the piranha” into a state where the question becomes “how much shitter will this film get”.

I lost it close to the end of the movie when there was a nuclear explosion (seriously) that wiped a piranha infested entire lake clean but did not disturb the ducks who were clearly scooting about in the water.

Mega Piranha effortlessly straddles the divide of so bad it’s good and also bad but in a different way. AS an attempt for filmmakers to come up with something visually appealing this one grabs a new low, but for those who are lunatics and find joy in a terrible portrayal of bad editing and the direction of bad acts and the writing then you’ve hit the jack pot. For those who just want a film that is watchable will be disappointed. Just check out the trailer below instead, it makes a great deal of action than actually exists.

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