Teen Lust

Teen Lust

Teen Lust is decidedly a controversial title. This is surely not a title that you would wish to be going through the checkout register with while on a work trip on company’s expense. Similarly, you don’t wish it to be narrated as you wait for the Visa credit card fraud check. And it is definitely not a title that you would want your partner to see when the end of such billing month arrives. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why we have not heard that much of it. Quite simply, people are chickens. But the film’s excesses may be tempered by its laughably offensive title. However, that titillating name only hints what lies beneath it.

Indeed, the fans of 80s sex comedies are going to get quite a kick. And the film definitely debunks the notion that Hollywood is bereft of fresh concepts. We, as die-hard movie watchers, just need to search a little harder. If Teen Lust would have been released in say 1986, or even in 1996, in the an unaltered form, we would be toasting its anniversary as a masterpiece. In this day of superhero franchise, big tentpole releasing companies, we have to scramble around a lot to find the next genuine cult classic. And this one has cult classic written all over it.

It isn’t exactly a brand new film but when it popped up on Vudu, amongst the recent horror comedies that I already know I would enjoy (Deathgasm (2015), which is the best film ever and which you probably haven’t seen), I decided to watch it. Sure, Teen Lust has its theme that’s partially appealing to my inner horn dog, but that’s not the sole reason why I was so concentrated on sharping the other end of this bone.

Nope, that’s not it, that’s coupled with the poster that made me interested. It depicts a sexy teenager close to taking off her bra, partially revealing her tattoo of Satan. Add in Daryl Sabara as the second lead, and I ordered that sh*t right away. Listen, Scrunts: I was not disappointed!

As much as the Spy Kids adventures had stood out in their time and much as I loved the sequels, those are films that I kind of watched with my focus split elsewhere. It was only in Bobcat Goldthwait’s ridiculous black comedy film World’s Greatest Dad that Sabara came onto my radar as a gifted actor with a long future presence. In this last decade, he has been rather wasted, sneaking into a coupling of films like Eli Roth’s Green Inferno and Disney’s John Carter.

Again, he makes what is arguably one of the best teenage characters to be featured in the new age cinema. However, he is just one of the good many that one gets to know in this lightening swift hour and twenty minutes.

What needs to be appreciated is the actor in the lead, Jesse Carere, who doesn’t take the current predicament very seriously and plays it shamelessly, yet convincingly. His Neil is a real draw in this story of virginity loss, and he turns everything we know of the genre upside down. If you didn’t think there was anywhere new to take the sex comedy, you are very much mistaken.

And this film plays like a challenge to Blaine Thurier, the director, and his co-writer Jason Stone. The screenplay recalls all the great 80’s movies on the subject and even plays to the teen resurgence that was experienced in late 1990s and early 2000s. In a certain sense, it is a cleverly positioned answer to American Pie, asking: what is the next step after one has finished with the pastries?

Instead of shoving his penis into a pig heart, this movie takes a unique and delightful turn on what one would expect in a movie of this type.

This is probably the best spot to close the book and see it with untainted eyes, and that is how I did. This was my exact approach towards it. I had no prior knowledge of Teen Lust and so I casually walked through all its vulgarities. I feel that definitely made things even more enjoyable. Now, here is the summary of the story as you would imagine. Neil has to get laid before the sun rises the next day. And he will go to any lengths to ensure that happens.

There is no ‘this one is for the year-book’ when it comes to a high school graduation, betting with friends or getting a perfect prom date. No. The kid’s life, quite literally, hinges on getting some vagina.

Cary Elwes enters the scene, and he is an absolute riot. This time around, he plays a cult leader who does little to hide his affinity for Satan. Everything about him is grotesque, from his slouch to his lisp and drooling bottom lip. The good news is that Elwes delivers a performance so beautiful and breathtaking that it can easily distract anyone. That is how far gone it is it can actually be described as being halfway across the street and then put in an entirely different house. Let’s just say that it is up there with the time when Elwes played a dancing cowboy named Tanky Wabbit in Oogie Loves.

Oh, and believe me, if you haven’t watched it yet, that kid-fueled exploitation film is quite a scene. Nicolas Cage has nothing on what Elwes is doing right now, and wow does that feeling feel as good as it is. And yes, our favorite feminist Cage has quite a performance in Trust too, and it definitely has a soft spot in my heart. But wait, it is not as good as this one. Not even close.

Sheldon isn’t a very menacing name, unlike how cultists may see it to. The smack parody of the popular Satan Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves, this man isn’t dangerously deluded (at least in his own head) but he has been against Neil since he was born. A scribbling of fear foretold Neil’s potential. His arrival could only signal the end of all things good.

With this information, it follows that he should be sacrificed at 18 years of age to ensure the resurrection of Baphomet. Neil’s parents have forced him to stay a virgin for the last 20 years. A rather easy thing to do seeing as he is not exactly a womanizer; he is more interested in card tricks than sports.

Neil, a young boy, and his chum Matt (Sabara) have been attending their Temple Of Satan every week and do not even have the slightest problems with it as they behave like any other common church. That is until, that fateful sacrifice night comes. Neil happily presents himself on the altar. He is completely oblivious to what is fitting to happen. Only when Sheldon takes out the large devil knife does our hero understand that he is going to be sacrificed in the name of the devil and enter the gates of Hell.

In fact, it is Matty who comes to the rescue and ushers his companion away from the scene. At first, Neil seems to be truly in favor of the sacrifice; therefore, it is very surprising to the churchgoers when he jumps off the table and runs. Till this point, Neil has been brave enough to sit still for his ‘turn’ and absolute annihilation. But now he is fleeing for dear life and a whole new perspective on his upbringing has dawned upon him. He was raised as a lamb for the devil. All that is true before this night but from now on everything goes quiet!

An emerging young man has doubtlessly fallen into place when Matt and Neil do not seem to be in a hurry to action. Neil does not need to wait for the party to escape. He only has to destroy his virginity by sunrise otherwise the sun would lose its light for good.

So, our two scaredy-cats go on an all night adventure in pursuit of American pie. At the same time, Sheldon’s other kids are going around the town looking for the youth and his fun farewell. I won’t say what follows, but boy, is there plenty of it and is it enjoyable.

Of course, there is no shortage of cliches that come out that expose some prerequisites of the genre. The first one is Neil’s female friend, whom he tries to bang, but the sister can’t imagine what sexy satanic sagamores are lurking in Neil’s trailer. This creates the most basic of conflicts, that of high school best friends who discover that they are in fact made for each other. But to George and to everybody else, the director understands the very patterns and clichés that go with this build up’s promise. Canadian actress Annie Clark comes on like a young fresh Milla Jovovich.

And could easily play Alice’s long lost little sis in the Resident Evil series. While her Denise is setup to be a damsel in distress, there is more to her character journey, and very entertaining subplot in which, like everyone else, she has a thing for one of Satan’s lackeys. If Neil weren’t around, she’d be sleeping with this guy without a doubt, and we see this from a girl’s perspective. One even uses the guy’s stupid comment about the situation later to help her in making sure that things go the way she wants them to, which is nice.

Neil, Matty and Denise have a long night as the movie keeps rolling fast. With just a pinch of Elwes mixed in, this dish is mildly tangy but immensely flavorful. It all culminates in the sweetest act of friendship that also is not homophobic, the ultimate friend betrayal. Though there is a goat introduced to the mix in the last few minutes of the movie that adds tension and excitement which gives Black Philip a challenge.

As our heroes sail into the sunset, you will be singing along with them, it is that fun. A real Once Bitten feel is brought back by Teen Lust, reminiscent of that Jim Carrey horror comedy in certain areas. But Teen Lust does not simply perform as advertised, it exceeds expectations and goes the extra mile.

I’m not talking about some weighty, pointless, direct to video trash or ad. It is a love letter to the teen, horror, sex comedies which were prominent in the 80s and this film is a timeless classic in the genre. If you want something new and amazing, then I urge you to get eon’s Teen Lust today no matter which streaming device you use.

However, it is advisable that everyone who reviews the receipts at the end of the month knows that it is a joke.

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