The Amityville Horror

The Amityville Horror

Bad people are really great. Nothing is like a bad presence that earnestly wants everyone in town dead. A man with an evil smile and a mustache and an upset stomach. A man completely different from the evil entity in “The Amityville Horror.”

But, alas, this film’s horror does not come in the form of a bad person at all. It has no shape or face or personality may not even be a person but causes the worst things to happen. Who upsets the dog and bangs the doors open and makes the house too cold all of the time and, in general, makes it like Chicago.

Played by James Brolin and Margot Kidder and some kids, this presence torments a family who has to scream and shake for 28 days in the book (if I remember correctly) and for 21 days in the movie (again, if I remember correctly). They’re George and Kathy Lutz, whose story inspired a best-selling book called “The Amityville Horror,” as you know, moved out of their house leaving their furniture behind them in New York City and moved to San Diego fulfilling all of our dreams.

Is it true? I don’t know; it is said that truth is stranger than fiction. But I have met George Lutz; I had a few beers with him at Los Angeles International Airport one night when we were both stranded there by Midwest fog, he was likable enough guy seems so utterly sincere surely does believe terrible things happened to him his wife his stepchildren his dog his cat etcetera etcetera etcetera those many moons ago across from Manhattan on Long Island where other people move every day of their lives expecting to teach themselves Craig Claiborne’s “New York Times Cook Book” by heart.

Did green slime really squirt from keyholes? Did red-eyed pigs glare through windows? Did ghostly marching bands parade through living rooms? I dunno; people make bad real estate investments every day. But the question is not whether those horrible things really happened, but whether (and God forgive me my lack of reverence) they have been made into an entertaining movie.

They haven’t. They’ve just been made into this sad and dreary series of glum things happening to these poor folks in that house across from Manhattan on Long Island and nobody who has had to live under a roof or between four walls or pay rent could find such things amusing, never mind entertaining.

The stairs collapse? Thousands of flies in the sewing room? Pig with glowing red eyes staring in through windows? The stairs collapse again?? Big deal! So what?! This place is pig heaven, pal! There are many neighborhoods on Chicago’s south side where you woulda made money by investing in it!

But am I growing facetious? Not really. In order to be a horror movie, a horror movie needs a real Horror. That monster A.I.D.S. had nothing on the creature in “Alien.” The case history of possession was only one-third as spooky as “The Exorcist.”

In fact, “The Amityville Horror” has a problem. The matter is simple there is nothing in it. We sat through a two-hour presentation of people getting scared and distressed and we wondered why? If it happened to them, let it be true. Sorry, Lutzes! If it’s a fiction, add some fun to it. And if they can’t decide why should we?

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